I had an epiphany this morning, I finally figured out what word I have been looking for to describe frustration, and I found it...assumption. I find this epiphany pisses me off and humbles me at the same time. As I have written over the last year I have been trying to pinpoint the word that could add an understanding to what I have been feeling and assumption is about right.
Here's why... I find that in life, no matter the gender, quality or culture, this word has not always served us well. Assumptions have started wars, ended marriages and stopped friendships and guided some bad decisions..... we look at them to help or think they are helping, but in the end some assumptions can lead to a troubled self.
Now, at the same time I am pissed I am also humbled by the fact that I too live on the assumption a lot of the time. So, I am not in the clear here..... but it does lock some things into place. Lets look at it for a moment.
We hear it on TV - we see it on the news, we read it in the paper.... whatever political affiliation you have .. you MUST believe this or that. If you say you are a Christian then you MUST believe my way...If you claim another religion then this MUST be how you act. If you are a single mom or dad then it MUST mean this. If you are overweight then you MUST do this and not be THAT. Truly I could go on, but do you see the point?
We base belief and inner guidance on assumptions. Then, if we feel someone has assumed something, we get pissed and we assume back..... a bitch of a cause and effect.
On a more personal note, here are some assumptions I have experienced - That if you are a strong, independent women (or man), and you convey this is in your day to day living, that it MUST mean you don't need support - or friends. That even if you are a good listener it doesn't mean that you don't need someone to listen to you sometimes.... Of course we all need support. I have to know as a mom and a wife that if these things are drivin' me crazy that I am merely human because they are drivin' you crazy too!
Personally, I look back and think of some of my most relevant or truly great moments. They were when I felt like someone understood. Put moms in a room alone (dads too, but in your own room) and listen to them. We open up and laugh, cry, voice frustrations, all because someone else, in our same situation said 'Yeah, I hear ya! I feel that way too!' Put any profession in a room together with like professionals and listen to how a short moment of bonding happens, after one person opens the conversation up with 'Hey, have you had this happen.' Ever feel like the skeletons in your closet, for instance family situations, are truly only your own? Then one day someone says..."Well... this person in my family did this...." and how elated you feel when you find out that someone else has had a similar experience. Or the biggie - 'I thought, by this that you did, that it meant you felt this way' and how we have based that assumption and made it fact and at made life decisions based on it. Without really asking that person.
As a teacher ( something I miss a great deal) I finally figured out that one of the things I was trying to teach was to not assume anything. Ask my past students, I always talked of other cultures, ideas, and situations with the idea that if we thought about it, asked the right questions, then we might learn something new.
However, on a spin side, assumptions can also be a good thing. Women - assume that you need to always be aware when you are out a lone - not to assume that you WILL get hurt, but that you MUST be ready to defend yourself. Assume that the person driving and swerving around might be impaired, back off, call for help. Assume that if someone is hurt they might need your assistance.
I guess the key in all of this is to ask.... ASK! Communicate, ask the questions, find the answers.
Here are some truths. I miss all my friends and wish them all well. I ask that you not assume that I am not communicating with you. Ask - I find emails and text messages and phone calls are floating in the Canadian Rockies and not getting delivered. But I also sense some see that as my excuse - they assume that excuse, because you aren't in my reality right now. Just ask....text again, resend the email.
In the end, it really is all about the effort and what we want to try. Think about it... see if it fits, the trying thing. I will not assume anyone reads these self indulgent blogs, but I will KNOW that when I wrote them, I only wanted to promote understanding.
I like the knowing part - feels good.
Here's why... I find that in life, no matter the gender, quality or culture, this word has not always served us well. Assumptions have started wars, ended marriages and stopped friendships and guided some bad decisions..... we look at them to help or think they are helping, but in the end some assumptions can lead to a troubled self.
Now, at the same time I am pissed I am also humbled by the fact that I too live on the assumption a lot of the time. So, I am not in the clear here..... but it does lock some things into place. Lets look at it for a moment.
We hear it on TV - we see it on the news, we read it in the paper.... whatever political affiliation you have .. you MUST believe this or that. If you say you are a Christian then you MUST believe my way...If you claim another religion then this MUST be how you act. If you are a single mom or dad then it MUST mean this. If you are overweight then you MUST do this and not be THAT. Truly I could go on, but do you see the point?
We base belief and inner guidance on assumptions. Then, if we feel someone has assumed something, we get pissed and we assume back..... a bitch of a cause and effect.
On a more personal note, here are some assumptions I have experienced - That if you are a strong, independent women (or man), and you convey this is in your day to day living, that it MUST mean you don't need support - or friends. That even if you are a good listener it doesn't mean that you don't need someone to listen to you sometimes.... Of course we all need support. I have to know as a mom and a wife that if these things are drivin' me crazy that I am merely human because they are drivin' you crazy too!
Personally, I look back and think of some of my most relevant or truly great moments. They were when I felt like someone understood. Put moms in a room alone (dads too, but in your own room) and listen to them. We open up and laugh, cry, voice frustrations, all because someone else, in our same situation said 'Yeah, I hear ya! I feel that way too!' Put any profession in a room together with like professionals and listen to how a short moment of bonding happens, after one person opens the conversation up with 'Hey, have you had this happen.' Ever feel like the skeletons in your closet, for instance family situations, are truly only your own? Then one day someone says..."Well... this person in my family did this...." and how elated you feel when you find out that someone else has had a similar experience. Or the biggie - 'I thought, by this that you did, that it meant you felt this way' and how we have based that assumption and made it fact and at made life decisions based on it. Without really asking that person.
As a teacher ( something I miss a great deal) I finally figured out that one of the things I was trying to teach was to not assume anything. Ask my past students, I always talked of other cultures, ideas, and situations with the idea that if we thought about it, asked the right questions, then we might learn something new.
However, on a spin side, assumptions can also be a good thing. Women - assume that you need to always be aware when you are out a lone - not to assume that you WILL get hurt, but that you MUST be ready to defend yourself. Assume that the person driving and swerving around might be impaired, back off, call for help. Assume that if someone is hurt they might need your assistance.
I guess the key in all of this is to ask.... ASK! Communicate, ask the questions, find the answers.
Here are some truths. I miss all my friends and wish them all well. I ask that you not assume that I am not communicating with you. Ask - I find emails and text messages and phone calls are floating in the Canadian Rockies and not getting delivered. But I also sense some see that as my excuse - they assume that excuse, because you aren't in my reality right now. Just ask....text again, resend the email.
In the end, it really is all about the effort and what we want to try. Think about it... see if it fits, the trying thing. I will not assume anyone reads these self indulgent blogs, but I will KNOW that when I wrote them, I only wanted to promote understanding.
I like the knowing part - feels good.
I love this post. Assumptions is what has caused me the most stress at work this year. That and people who "plant" misinformation in others so that they generate an assumption..... one that the "planter" wanted. Teaching our students never to assume is one of the important life lessons we can give them. More important than if you can solve inequalities or measure angles.
ReplyDeleteIt would take much more than some undelivered emails or texts that are floating around somewhere in cyberspace to make us mad. We understand it happens and that it can be frustrating. True friendship is built on much more than emails and texts. The bond we have is far too strong to be broken with something that trivial.
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