My Take Away.....

 If you know me at all...you know I love to sing. Always have - always will. I love the stage, I love the energy, I love what it gives me. But, I don't sing like I dreamt I would at one time in my life. There was a time when all I could think of was doing theater.... I had my share of success, leads in school plays, the 'permission' to attend the School of Performing Arts in Columbus. I also had a summer of study at Carnegie Mellon University, where I studied musical theater. Then I began to explore other types of music and found I had a nitch for the jazz standard.  I loved the tone of it - the story being told. College came along, and I had to find a musical place to study. I started at Capital University in the Vocal jazz program in 1986, ready to pave a path.
I wasn't the strongest singer at that time, and a relative rookie to the 'art' of jazz. I just loved to sing. I began the adventure but in my quite moments I wondered if this was something that I could do for a living? Hoped so, but down deep, I wasn't sure I was good enough. I wasn't sure I had it in me to make the sacrifice needed to find fame.
   As I progressed, I began to discover that having an emotional connection to the music wasn't enough. Loving the words and the sounds of the chords wasn't enough. Loving it wasn't enough to make it.
This is where I learned the lesson of the music elitists.  The critical eye of the musician who played their instrument but was critical of mine.
 I will never forget the awful class of Improvisation.  Now, I am here to tell you that this is an art. I don't care what you play, either you can, or you try. I tried, and today I have one hell of an appreciation of it. This was a hard class and I didn't have a good teacher.  Said 'teacher' wasn't exactly stable, I don't think. He was judgmental and not afraid to pass the judgement. I was always amazed at how the guys in my class thought he was so talented. Because, in my mind, I wasn't getting the connection. He had no emotional connection to the music that he could share. It was all internal?
 Then, the ultimate day - one which changed me.  He stood at the front of the class and announced that "Singer's weren't really artists because they don't play a 'real' instrument.' And the group of naive boys, nodded their heads and laughed right along with him. I was crushed. And not too much longer after than I withdrew from the music program and went another direction. I left friends and boyfriends behind in that moment. Now I realized that I had to find my own way, my own success, in my own time. But at that time I was just hurt and pissed!   I had made some wonderful friends at the conservatory and we all bonded in being the music geek. But, on that one day - they really had the opportunity to be the bully of sorts, and they were.
Looking back, I know there was no malice in them, just extreme insensitivity to an art that most of them couldn't even do.
From there, I didn't sing for years. Sure, friends heard me sing. I even sang to my husband during our wedding. But I didn't perform anymore. As life moved on, and I grew, and I gradually started to get back into theater and I had a blast. Yes, theater came with its drama - but hey, at least you got some of the best projecting the drama! lol!
So, you're asking yourself, 'Where in the hell did this come from?" It came from a personal revelation today. In that huge moment of loss, I gained a lot. I still love the music.
See, I have about a 30 minute commute to work. And in that 30 minutes I perform for millions. I rock to my music, sing with the song list that I created on my iPod. I cry at the same places, anticipate THE moment in a song that drives you home. Its great!  I have cried in that time, laughed, sang with anger at those who sucked at that moment, and loved it all. I get out of my car, ready for work, or whatever, feeling satisfied at my brief fantasy performance!
See, I still love the music. I haven't drown in it. I haven't been jaded by it and I still feel passionate about the discovery of it.
My voice has changed a great deal since that classroom back in the 80's. I have a depth there, a solidness and sense of emotion that is hard for any 18-19 yr old to understand.  I think, all in all, I am pretty good. But, this time around, I am not meant for fame. And to be honest, its really OK. I would like to find a band to sing with I think. But, seems as though most bands want a 20 yr old fronting them.( Cracks me up actually, That 20 year old can't bring the experience of life to the song. So, I wait for a band.)
The overall point ties in with my other blogs.  There may be moments that strips you raw, shakes a dream and drives a change. But, it really is in how, you, manage that change. What you decide to do with it. That matters.
 I find that experience gave me a few great take away's. I knew, as a teacher, I would never humiliate a student and kill a dream. That I would foster, encourage and nurture. That I would not be a musical elitist - but just a lover of all music. I would not judge those who performed with me, but encourage the expression. See, said teacher and boys in the class - that moment is probably not even one you all remember. And, that's OK. And they probably shouldn't, it wasn't their moment. But,  if by chance any of them ever come across this blog (LOL), I hope they grew in their own ways, and learned to appreciate all musicians, singers included.
 For a time, I let one fairly, emotionally empty, individual take a dream. But I grew new ones, and it all turned out pretty good. Do I wish it had turned out different? I don't think I would. But I do wish that I had been strong enough to manage those relationships better.  I miss a lot of those people. But above all else, it was my mistake to let words someone said drive that the decision to leave music all together.
So, I'll keep singing in my car. Remembering a certain Mr. D.W from G town who loved a certain Natalie Cole song that I sang. My forever friend Jen who would belt " I Will Survive" with me. My husband, who still cries a bit if he catches me performing in the living room. My good friend, Linda, who wanted me to leave her a tape when I left Colorado. My friends at Prairie Playhouse who helped bring back the love of theater.

I wish those boys from that improvisation class could hear me now..........
because in the end we were (are) all artists. With different talents, who needed to learn tolerance.  If given a chance, they could have learned from my instrument too.
Funny how that parallels life.
Love and Peace....Till next time......

Assumptions........Need I Say More?

I had an epiphany this morning, I finally figured out what word I have been looking for to describe frustration, and I found it...assumption. I find this epiphany pisses me off and humbles me at the same time.  As I have written over the last year I have been trying to pinpoint the word that could add an understanding to what I have been feeling and assumption is about right.
Here's why... I find that in life, no matter the gender, quality or culture, this word has not always served us well. Assumptions have started wars, ended marriages and stopped friendships and guided some bad decisions..... we look at them to help or think they are helping, but in the end some assumptions can lead to a troubled self.

Now, at the same time I am pissed I am also humbled by the fact that I too live on the assumption a lot of the time. So, I am not in the clear here..... but it does lock some things into place.  Lets look at it for a moment.

 We hear it on TV - we see it on the news, we read it in the paper.... whatever political affiliation you have .. you MUST believe this or that.  If you say you are a Christian then you MUST believe my way...If you claim another religion then this MUST be how you act. If you are a single mom or dad then  it MUST mean this. If you are overweight then you MUST do this and not be THAT.  Truly I could go on, but do you see the point?

We base belief and inner guidance on assumptions. Then, if we feel someone has assumed something, we get pissed and we assume back..... a bitch of a cause and effect.
On a more personal note, here are some assumptions I have experienced - That if you are a strong, independent women (or man), and you convey this is in your day to day living, that it MUST mean you don't need support - or friends. That even if you are a good listener it doesn't mean that you don't need someone to listen to you sometimes....  Of course we all need support. I have to know as a mom and a wife that if these things are drivin' me crazy that I am merely human because they are drivin' you crazy too!   

Personally, I look back and think of some of my most relevant or truly great moments. They were when I felt like someone understood. Put moms in a room alone (dads too, but in your own room) and listen to them.  We open up and laugh, cry, voice frustrations, all because someone else, in our same situation said 'Yeah, I hear ya! I feel that way too!' Put any profession in a room together with like professionals and listen to how a short moment of bonding happens, after one person opens the conversation up with 'Hey, have you had this happen.' Ever feel like the skeletons in your closet, for instance family situations, are truly only your own? Then one day someone says..."Well... this person in my family did this...." and how elated you feel when you find out that someone else has had a similar experience. Or the biggie - 'I thought, by this that you did, that it meant you felt this way' and how we have based that assumption and made it fact and at made life decisions based on it. Without really asking that person.

As a teacher ( something I miss a great deal) I finally figured out that one of the things I was trying to teach was to not assume anything. Ask my past students, I always talked of other cultures, ideas, and situations with the idea that if we thought about it, asked the right questions, then we might learn something new.

 However, on a spin side, assumptions can also be a good thing. Women - assume that you need to always be aware when you are out a lone - not to assume that you WILL get hurt, but that you MUST be ready to defend yourself.  Assume that the person driving and swerving around might be impaired, back off, call for help. Assume that if someone is hurt they might need your assistance.
 I guess the key in all of this is to ask.... ASK! Communicate, ask the questions, find the answers.

Here are some truths. I miss all my friends and wish them all well. I ask that you not assume that I am not communicating with you. Ask - I find emails and text messages and phone calls are floating in the Canadian Rockies and not getting delivered. But I also sense some see that as my excuse - they assume that excuse, because you aren't in my reality right now. Just ask....text again, resend the email.

In the end, it really is all about the effort and what we want to try. Think about it... see if it fits, the trying thing. I will not assume anyone reads these self indulgent blogs, but I will KNOW that when I wrote them, I only wanted to promote understanding.
I like the knowing part - feels good.