If you know me at all...you know I love to sing. Always have - always will. I love the stage, I love the energy, I love what it gives me. But, I don't sing like I dreamt I would at one time in my life. There was a time when all I could think of was doing theater.... I had my share of success, leads in school plays, the 'permission' to attend the School of Performing Arts in Columbus. I also had a summer of study at Carnegie Mellon University, where I studied musical theater. Then I began to explore other types of music and found I had a nitch for the jazz standard. I loved the tone of it - the story being told. College came along, and I had to find a musical place to study. I started at Capital University in the Vocal jazz program in 1986, ready to pave a path.
I wasn't the strongest singer at that time, and a relative rookie to the 'art' of jazz. I just loved to sing. I began the adventure but in my quite moments I wondered if this was something that I could do for a living? Hoped so, but down deep, I wasn't sure I was good enough. I wasn't sure I had it in me to make the sacrifice needed to find fame.
As I progressed, I began to discover that having an emotional connection to the music wasn't enough. Loving the words and the sounds of the chords wasn't enough. Loving it wasn't enough to make it.
This is where I learned the lesson of the music elitists. The critical eye of the musician who played their instrument but was critical of mine.
I will never forget the awful class of Improvisation. Now, I am here to tell you that this is an art. I don't care what you play, either you can, or you try. I tried, and today I have one hell of an appreciation of it. This was a hard class and I didn't have a good teacher. Said 'teacher' wasn't exactly stable, I don't think. He was judgmental and not afraid to pass the judgement. I was always amazed at how the guys in my class thought he was so talented. Because, in my mind, I wasn't getting the connection. He had no emotional connection to the music that he could share. It was all internal?
Then, the ultimate day - one which changed me. He stood at the front of the class and announced that "Singer's weren't really artists because they don't play a 'real' instrument.' And the group of naive boys, nodded their heads and laughed right along with him. I was crushed. And not too much longer after than I withdrew from the music program and went another direction. I left friends and boyfriends behind in that moment. Now I realized that I had to find my own way, my own success, in my own time. But at that time I was just hurt and pissed! I had made some wonderful friends at the conservatory and we all bonded in being the music geek. But, on that one day - they really had the opportunity to be the bully of sorts, and they were.
Looking back, I know there was no malice in them, just extreme insensitivity to an art that most of them couldn't even do.
From there, I didn't sing for years. Sure, friends heard me sing. I even sang to my husband during our wedding. But I didn't perform anymore. As life moved on, and I grew, and I gradually started to get back into theater and I had a blast. Yes, theater came with its drama - but hey, at least you got some of the best projecting the drama! lol!
So, you're asking yourself, 'Where in the hell did this come from?" It came from a personal revelation today. In that huge moment of loss, I gained a lot. I still love the music.
See, I have about a 30 minute commute to work. And in that 30 minutes I perform for millions. I rock to my music, sing with the song list that I created on my iPod. I cry at the same places, anticipate THE moment in a song that drives you home. Its great! I have cried in that time, laughed, sang with anger at those who sucked at that moment, and loved it all. I get out of my car, ready for work, or whatever, feeling satisfied at my brief fantasy performance!
See, I still love the music. I haven't drown in it. I haven't been jaded by it and I still feel passionate about the discovery of it.
My voice has changed a great deal since that classroom back in the 80's. I have a depth there, a solidness and sense of emotion that is hard for any 18-19 yr old to understand. I think, all in all, I am pretty good. But, this time around, I am not meant for fame. And to be honest, its really OK. I would like to find a band to sing with I think. But, seems as though most bands want a 20 yr old fronting them.( Cracks me up actually, That 20 year old can't bring the experience of life to the song. So, I wait for a band.)
The overall point ties in with my other blogs. There may be moments that strips you raw, shakes a dream and drives a change. But, it really is in how, you, manage that change. What you decide to do with it. That matters.
I find that experience gave me a few great take away's. I knew, as a teacher, I would never humiliate a student and kill a dream. That I would foster, encourage and nurture. That I would not be a musical elitist - but just a lover of all music. I would not judge those who performed with me, but encourage the expression. See, said teacher and boys in the class - that moment is probably not even one you all remember. And, that's OK. And they probably shouldn't, it wasn't their moment. But, if by chance any of them ever come across this blog (LOL), I hope they grew in their own ways, and learned to appreciate all musicians, singers included.
For a time, I let one fairly, emotionally empty, individual take a dream. But I grew new ones, and it all turned out pretty good. Do I wish it had turned out different? I don't think I would. But I do wish that I had been strong enough to manage those relationships better. I miss a lot of those people. But above all else, it was my mistake to let words someone said drive that the decision to leave music all together.
So, I'll keep singing in my car. Remembering a certain Mr. D.W from G town who loved a certain Natalie Cole song that I sang. My forever friend Jen who would belt " I Will Survive" with me. My husband, who still cries a bit if he catches me performing in the living room. My good friend, Linda, who wanted me to leave her a tape when I left Colorado. My friends at Prairie Playhouse who helped bring back the love of theater.
I wish those boys from that improvisation class could hear me now..........
because in the end we were (are) all artists. With different talents, who needed to learn tolerance. If given a chance, they could have learned from my instrument too.
Funny how that parallels life.
Love and Peace....Till next time......
I wasn't the strongest singer at that time, and a relative rookie to the 'art' of jazz. I just loved to sing. I began the adventure but in my quite moments I wondered if this was something that I could do for a living? Hoped so, but down deep, I wasn't sure I was good enough. I wasn't sure I had it in me to make the sacrifice needed to find fame.
As I progressed, I began to discover that having an emotional connection to the music wasn't enough. Loving the words and the sounds of the chords wasn't enough. Loving it wasn't enough to make it.
This is where I learned the lesson of the music elitists. The critical eye of the musician who played their instrument but was critical of mine.
I will never forget the awful class of Improvisation. Now, I am here to tell you that this is an art. I don't care what you play, either you can, or you try. I tried, and today I have one hell of an appreciation of it. This was a hard class and I didn't have a good teacher. Said 'teacher' wasn't exactly stable, I don't think. He was judgmental and not afraid to pass the judgement. I was always amazed at how the guys in my class thought he was so talented. Because, in my mind, I wasn't getting the connection. He had no emotional connection to the music that he could share. It was all internal?
Then, the ultimate day - one which changed me. He stood at the front of the class and announced that "Singer's weren't really artists because they don't play a 'real' instrument.' And the group of naive boys, nodded their heads and laughed right along with him. I was crushed. And not too much longer after than I withdrew from the music program and went another direction. I left friends and boyfriends behind in that moment. Now I realized that I had to find my own way, my own success, in my own time. But at that time I was just hurt and pissed! I had made some wonderful friends at the conservatory and we all bonded in being the music geek. But, on that one day - they really had the opportunity to be the bully of sorts, and they were.
Looking back, I know there was no malice in them, just extreme insensitivity to an art that most of them couldn't even do.
From there, I didn't sing for years. Sure, friends heard me sing. I even sang to my husband during our wedding. But I didn't perform anymore. As life moved on, and I grew, and I gradually started to get back into theater and I had a blast. Yes, theater came with its drama - but hey, at least you got some of the best projecting the drama! lol!
So, you're asking yourself, 'Where in the hell did this come from?" It came from a personal revelation today. In that huge moment of loss, I gained a lot. I still love the music.
See, I have about a 30 minute commute to work. And in that 30 minutes I perform for millions. I rock to my music, sing with the song list that I created on my iPod. I cry at the same places, anticipate THE moment in a song that drives you home. Its great! I have cried in that time, laughed, sang with anger at those who sucked at that moment, and loved it all. I get out of my car, ready for work, or whatever, feeling satisfied at my brief fantasy performance!
See, I still love the music. I haven't drown in it. I haven't been jaded by it and I still feel passionate about the discovery of it.
My voice has changed a great deal since that classroom back in the 80's. I have a depth there, a solidness and sense of emotion that is hard for any 18-19 yr old to understand. I think, all in all, I am pretty good. But, this time around, I am not meant for fame. And to be honest, its really OK. I would like to find a band to sing with I think. But, seems as though most bands want a 20 yr old fronting them.( Cracks me up actually, That 20 year old can't bring the experience of life to the song. So, I wait for a band.)
The overall point ties in with my other blogs. There may be moments that strips you raw, shakes a dream and drives a change. But, it really is in how, you, manage that change. What you decide to do with it. That matters.
I find that experience gave me a few great take away's. I knew, as a teacher, I would never humiliate a student and kill a dream. That I would foster, encourage and nurture. That I would not be a musical elitist - but just a lover of all music. I would not judge those who performed with me, but encourage the expression. See, said teacher and boys in the class - that moment is probably not even one you all remember. And, that's OK. And they probably shouldn't, it wasn't their moment. But, if by chance any of them ever come across this blog (LOL), I hope they grew in their own ways, and learned to appreciate all musicians, singers included.
For a time, I let one fairly, emotionally empty, individual take a dream. But I grew new ones, and it all turned out pretty good. Do I wish it had turned out different? I don't think I would. But I do wish that I had been strong enough to manage those relationships better. I miss a lot of those people. But above all else, it was my mistake to let words someone said drive that the decision to leave music all together.
So, I'll keep singing in my car. Remembering a certain Mr. D.W from G town who loved a certain Natalie Cole song that I sang. My forever friend Jen who would belt " I Will Survive" with me. My husband, who still cries a bit if he catches me performing in the living room. My good friend, Linda, who wanted me to leave her a tape when I left Colorado. My friends at Prairie Playhouse who helped bring back the love of theater.
I wish those boys from that improvisation class could hear me now..........
because in the end we were (are) all artists. With different talents, who needed to learn tolerance. If given a chance, they could have learned from my instrument too.
Funny how that parallels life.
Love and Peace....Till next time......
What a wonderful and insightful post. I can't comment any further right now - too busy processing and reflecting. Thanks for sharing it and giving me something to ponder. Where did my path turn away from the arts? And how happy I am to have my artistic outlet at Prairie Playhouse! Miss you!
ReplyDeleteBrian
Another wonderful post. Thanks for sharing a bit of your past!! I'm still waiting for that tape! Love you..
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. You are one of the strongest and most passionate people I know. I love this about you. However, those qualities have caused you problems in the past, but you stood strong by your principles and ideals and didn't let someone change who you are or what you thought. Yes, things changed and it was tough at the time, but it is moments like that, and the one you experienced in college, that help to mold you into the wonderful person you are today.
ReplyDeleteTwo aspects of the 7 Habits that I'm teaching to my class that have really resonated with me. The first is the idea that we all have an emotional bank account. People make withdraws (being mean and hurtful, rude, etc) and deposits (being kind and helpful) to your account all the time, but it takes many, many deposits to replace one withdraw. You learned that through your experience in college and is something I'm much more cognizant of today. The other is the idea that we can choose our own weather...not letting others or things dictate how you will act or feel for the.
Your post caused me to reflect on these ideas even more. I don't ever want to be one of the people that you experienced in your improv class, and never want to let other decide how my day/life will be. Thank you!
We miss you, Jeff and Michael. Can't wait to see you guys this summer. I will tell myself, when we see each at the airport and you smile and give me a big hug, that it is because you are happy to see me.......and not because I will have several bags of Andy's fish breading in my luggage. You see....choosing my own weather : )
Love you all,
Brian (the one in Ohio)